twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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