Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
