I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
