hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I am one with the molecules
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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