just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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