Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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