Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
