oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
