hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
