hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
