is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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