My cat gives me a boner
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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