I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
