I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
