I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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