Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
