and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
