Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
