Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
