Christians are straight up FREAKS
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
