you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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