Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Terrible idea I love it
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
