Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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