if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
