She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
