just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
