But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
