"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
