I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Randomize
