pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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