It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
are you so shy because you have an std?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
