Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
