So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
