i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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