Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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