Someone shit on the floor
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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