Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
