Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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