i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Randomize
