He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
