so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
