dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
