When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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