Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
