I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
