Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Randomize
