i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
