I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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