a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
