Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
