also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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